Online Dating and Love Information Articles

We’ve all been there. We’ve spent time with someone who we knew was “temporary” until the “right one” comes along. Sometimes, we even fool ourselves into thinking that that someone is the right one. We have all tried to shave the edges off some square pegs in order to fit them into round holes. There is something about “Mr. In the Meantime” that keeps you engaged in the relationship. It might be his kindness, his looks, his personality or his bank account (or, it might be just our own desire not to be alone). But, there is also something about him that you know is a “deal breaker.” While it is sometimes very difficult to let go of a relationship, we should never hold on to a relationship just to be in one.

Meantime relationships help pass the time while you are still searching. Unfortunately, while you are spending valuable time with someone who clearly lacks the qualities you desire, just to have someone with whom to spend time, you might be unavailable or unaware when Mr. Right knocks on the door. Meantime relationships are often merely filling in the emotional, and sometimes physical, gaps that are present when we seek the temporary elimination of feelings of loneliness.

Sometimes we use “Mr. In the Meantime” to help us recover from a relationship whose ending was either abrupt or particularly painful. A girlfriend of mine once remarked, “The best way to get over one man is another man.” This thinking perpetuates into rebound relationships that are often more painful when they end – and they will end – than the one from which you are trying to heal. Whenever we say goodbye to someone we love, even when we know that that person is not right for us, it hurts. We can save ourselves much heartache by recognizing and acknowledging from the beginning, that the Meantime man is not right for us, instead of trying to force a relationship. And, once we recognize and acknowledge that, we can free ourselves for a deeper love and commitment with the one who is our destiny.

Choosing a mate is a serious decision which will impact the rest of your life. It is a decision that can make or break you. Don’t be swayed by charm and style that have the appearance of authenticity, and don’t settle for second best; it is not worth it in the long run. Solid relationships are built on friendship, honesty and sincerity. Proverbs 7:5 warns us to “Beware of the stranger who flatters with words.” Some people will tell you what you want to hear, but their actions will reveal that they are totally insincere. It is so important to watch and listen. If he “looks like a duck”, but acts and sounds like a dog, he is either pretending to be something other than what he appears, or he is confused.

Women, especially, often allow feelings to overrule logic and common sense. That said, our intuition rarely leads us astray. If we are picking up a vibe that something is not right, usually something is not right. Pay attention to the signals and let him go. Do not hold on to hope when all the signs indicate that you should cut your losses.

The Bible reminds us that we will “know a tree by the fruit it bears.” Mr. In the Meantime might have the looks, the money and the prestige that impress us, but he might not have the character to match. Looks, money and prestige will fade away, but character is something that does not disappear.

We have all had periodic Meantime experiences, and some of them were effective for our growth and our transitions in life. Meantime relationships, however, will cause problems if we fail to see them for what they really are. Acknowledge them for what they are (a friendship, a learning experience, a nightmare…) and move on. If he is not right for you…do not give him access to your soul.

Have you ever entered into or stayed too long in a relationship that you knew was not ultimately right for you?

Make a list of the qualities that you are looking for in a mate. Use this list to evaluate your current romantic interest or keep the list in mind as you begin new relationships.

If you find that you tend to spend time in clearly Meantime relationships, use the following affirmation or create one of your own: “I will no longer cheat myself or anyone else by spending time in relationships that are going nowhere. I will be clear on the qualities that are important to me and will not try to force a relationship where there should not be one.”

Years ago, the famous cartoonist, Walt Kelly, wrote this immortal line for his character, Pogo Possum: “We have met the enemy … and he is us.” When it comes to relationships, we often turn out to be our own worst enemies. The true enemy could be “inner me.” Once we get rid of our self-defeating practices, we have won half the battle. To follow Sun Tzu’s advice, in The Art of War, if you know your enemy, it allows you to outsmart and defeat him. Applying that principle, knowing ourselves (the enemy) will allow us to defeat the patterns that we have followed over and over, leading to unsuccessful relationships.

In order to change our patterns, we must rethink the ways we’ve been doing things. We must apply new standards to our lives and dating experiences. For example: You will not meet “Mr. Right” in the “wrong” places. If you do not want a bar fly for a husband, do not look for men at a bar. Often, women will meet a man in these types of places and begin to date him, and then when it turns out that their man wants to hang out in bars all the time or is an alcoholic, they are surprised and disappointed. What did they expect to find in a bar if not a man who likes to go to bars? One should not expect to find gold in a coal mine.

Sometimes the problem women have is dating the wrong types of men. Women often get burned emotionally over and over because of their repeating patterns. For example “players” and “bad boys” are exciting to be around and might show you a nice time, that is, when they have time to fit you into their schedules. However, you can end up being continuously disappointed. What is the problem with dating men of the playboy variety? They grow from boys to adult men, but keep their childish ways. They do not stop playing; they just change toys.

Some women are drawn to powerful men. As Henry Kissinger once stated, “Power is the ultimate aphrodisiac.” However, these women often find that the powerful man they attracted lacks the sensitivity that is also important to her. Powerful men are often self-absorbed…that focus on their personal goals is how they became powerful. With many of these men – top executives, politicians, pastors – their families and significant others take a back seat to their first love…their vocations. Many have not found the balance between work and home. Be careful…relationships with these men can often be a lonely journey. Your favorite credit card is poor company!!

We often look at wealth and success rather than looking at the man who truly loves us for who we are. We look for a man to already be all that we desire instead of one who, with our love and support, can grow to be all that God wants him to be.

Many times, we choose partners whose basic values are totally different than ours. It is critical that what is important to him matches what is important to you. Watch the signs to determine what is important to your significant other. This can prevent the tendency to walk into a bad situation.

We need to destroy the negative patterns that keep us repeating the same mistakes over and over. After all, you cannot make a different dress using the same old pattern. As the saying goes, “if you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you always got.”

Do not move forward in a damaging relationship out of fear of not having another choice or chance. We should not only learn from the bad choices that we make, but learn from the mistakes of others to avoid making them ourselves. In that way, we can move from being our own worst enemy to being our own best friend.

All of us have an occasional bad day. However, there are two fundamental reasons a relationship [business or personal] gets chronically out of synch.

The first is Vision and the second is Values.

A real life example…

Anne and Jason work together. For a time the partnership seems to be a match made in heaven. Jason is out developing new prospects while Anne uses her skills to compile powerful proposals that Jason closes almost every time. Their production has soared over the past six months, but Anne is unhappy!

What happened?…

Anne is feeling more and more like an assistant instead of a partner. After some probing Jason admits that he prefers working solo with a dynamite assistant [how he increasingly views Anne] to support him.

The long and the short of it is, Anne and Jason’s Vision & Values are not in synch - if only they’d known this earlier!

To be a little more specific…

Vision includes hopes, dreams and long-term objectives [again, this applies to business and personal relationships equally.] We all have a vision even if at a very covert, unspoken level.

Values includes basic principles, norms, standards and ethics an individual lives by, both consciously and unconsciously.

To be in synch a partnership must have…

1. A common, well defined vision [long-term goals] that guides monthly, weekly, and daily planning and activities.

2. A compatible set of values [ethics, standards and principles] that all on the team live by day by day, week in and week out.

It is absolutely critical… to identify where you and your partner stand with regards to both your vision and your values to assure a solid, productive and fun business or life partnership. This is the number one cause it seems for partnership failure.

CHALLENGE…

- Sit down this week and review your personal goals and standards

- Call a meeting with your partner to address your partnership’s goals and standards.

Remember, Life is short figure it out and enjoy!

1. Celebrate Valentines Day Every Day: Love is a practice. Say I love you in the morning and at night….more is better. Share with one another the things that give you the greatest pleasure and help one another’s dream come true. For example if you partner loves music, bring home CDs or tickets to concerts often. If your partner loves football, watch with them on a regular basis. Remember these are GIFTS, done without resentment. You are dream-makers. A good relationship is like good sex—both partners give and receive what they want.

2. Heat-up The Bedroom: Since most men are visual, they appreciate lingerie. Women tend to need to be “talked up” during the day. However, everyone is different so you need a love map to one another.

3. Make Connections: Research shows that happy couples connect often with their eyes, a soft voice, and body language. Cool couples have habitual ways they distance. Communicate connection. Use soft eyes when you look at your partner and touch often.

4. Live Passionately And Not Just For Passion: A wise Native American once said, “As you go the way of life you will see a great chasm. Jump…It is not as wide as you think”. If your life is cool, how can your relationship stay hot?

5. In Loving The Spiritual It Is Difficult To Despise The Earthly: Develop a spiritual practice together. You can use prayer, inspirational readings, or meditation. Offer gratitude to one another by sharing one thing you appreciate about your partner before you go to sleep. This practice builds a positive emotional bank account. Spiritual practice generates warmth that heats up the relationship.

6. Don’t Just Survive, Visualize: Visualize your dream relationship. Close your eyes and feel the warmth and connection. Affirm what you want. Our unconscious mind is filled with negative thoughts. Retrain your brain. Many people never saw a model of a hot relationship so they need lots of visualization practice. A famous neuroscientist observed, “In the brain, practice makes permanent.”

7. We Cannot Stop Life’s Sorrows But We Can Choose Joy: Mother Theresa said, “Our best protection is a joyful heart” Have fun together. Act like kids. Masters and Johnson observed good sex is like two children under the sheets.

8. Wake Up Without Make-Up: We cannot have true intimacy unless we drop our masks. Live every day like Valentines Day instead of Halloween!

Have you introduced your old friends to your new romantic relationship? Do you think they are going to be happy to meet each other? Sometimes, we may find it surprising and even disappointing when our old friends do not warm to our new love. Understanding and implementing boundaries can be essential to your happiness, as well as your potential partnership.

A strange thing happens when you bring old friends and your new romantic partner together. You discover that even though your friends and family want the best for you, some of them may have a hard time adjusting. When they realize that they are about to be replaced as the special confidant or advisor to your single life, they may experience a tidal wave of panic.

If your friends are in happy, loving relationships, they will be thrilled that the two of you have found each other. However, if they have been enjoying your company as a distraction to their empty lives; if they have been playing host to you, with all the answers to your struggles; if they have been the shoulder for you to lean on, chances are, they are going to be upset when you fall in love and move to a different place emotionally. Unfortunately, they may be invested in your staying single more than they understand.

Habits and ways we have grown accustomed to are harder to let go of than we realize. I think about how the electricity went off in our house the other day and even though I knew that, every time I walked into a darkened room, I tried to switch on the lights. Obviously, my former habits are deeply programmed into me. From these small every-day experiences, I can understand how hard it is for someone to change or let go of the usual, when they are strongly attached to things being the way they “used” to be.

Life-changing events will occur whether we want them to or not, and understanding how to handle yourself through them can save pain and anguish. Since change is inevitable, there are some friendships that will metamorphose into something different, and others that will discontinue.

Most relationships among family and friends are resilient, and can allow someone new into your life. Further, if you have a history of poor relationships in the past, it is understandable that some friends may be suspicious of your new choice in the beginning. They need time to get to know this new person. Everyone has one or two trusted friends that they can count on to tell them the truth about what they see.

However, some relationships are fragile, built on unconscious and hidden agendas of the other parties, and are not meant to endure.

One of the ways to navigate those shifts and changes is to understand boundaries and how to set them. With boundaries in place, you can let people in or you can encircle yourself and come out when it’s safe.

Here are some thoughts on boundaries that may help you when you are introducing a new romantic interest to your old friends:

* Boundaries protect our health, well being, and happiness from the damaging behavior of others.

They are the limitations we set that let people know how close they can come. They are also there to keep us from reaching out to people who have shown that they can’t be a friend—for whatever reason.

* Saying “no” can be difficult when we think it means giving up someone’s approval.

Most of us are afraid of being rejected or not being liked. What is important to understand is that whenever we don’t set boundaries, we are open to being taken advantage of, and therefore, not respected.

* Set tighter boundaries and say goodbye to people, activities, and habits that drain energy.

If you feel tired, upset, or troubled, time after time, when you have been in certain situations, chances are, it is time to let go. As you develop your awareness for what is truly good for you, perhaps you will know when to say “no” to a long list of demands you have been tolerating.

We cling to our habits and our ways and our existing relationships out of a sense of familiarity or misguided loyalty. Sometimes, the people in our lives (for reasons they don’t even understand) would rather see us stay the same and be miserable rather than change and ultimately be happy. So get your boundaries in place. It’s important to remember that there is always a possible collision course—when your old friends meet your new love.

It’s happens to so many of us. You meet someone, fall in love, trust them to the hilt, and then in the blink of an eye the relationship ends. Just like that. I call it the “lust, trust, bust” syndrome! It leaves you asking why even bother again?

Think of the relationships you have been in and take a look at how they began, where they were headed, the period of time when all was good, and then the ending. What went wrong?

The Lust: You date someone and you feel the chemistry well up inside. The desire to get to know this person is strong, as well as the desire for intimacy. After awhile, you allow your defenses to step aside and you take the risk of letting this person into your life. You risk your emotional and often physical intimacy with this other person. You feel revitalized, younger, more beautiful and sexy. The lust has caught you in a myriad of feelings that continue to draw you closer.

The Trust: As you get closer to this person your trust level increases in the emotional, physical, and spiritual aspects of your life. It feels wonderful to be loved, held, cared for, and truly be a part of someone else’s life. As you get closer, you share more of your desires and dreams, letting your defenses down even more. You trust because you were taught to trust. Love feels good. The dating becomes more than an expectation. It becomes a ritual that may hold a promise for a future together.

The Bust: Then, in the blink of an eye, the phone calls and text messages stop. Dates are broken. Left wondering what happened you begin to retrace every conversation, every call, every date, every message, and every minute that you spent together. You feel raw and on edge, hurting from the confusion you feel and the silence between you. Although this is a familiar feeling, it still catches you off guard and takes your breath away. You think how can his happen again? Feeling duped you vow never to be in a relationship again.

How can you avoid the pitfall and agony of the “lust, trust, bust” syndrome? Pay attention to the signals. Were you sharing the same values, hopes, and dreams for the future? Were you interacting socially? Was the relationship fun and open to new and exciting things? Was it closed off from other people, family, and friends? Were either of you bored? How was your time spent? Were you able to acknowledge each other as separate beings with personal lives before you met? Was there jealousy? Was there rage? What were the signs, if any, that pointed to the ending before the relationship had a chance to grow? Are these questions familiar?

Before you swear off ever getting your feet wet again, take a look at these questions. If there were no signs, take the risk anyway. Not every relationship suffers from “lust, trust, bust”, but it may be a pattern for you to look at and change.

Many therapists call the problem some individuals have saying no to others a “boundary issue” problem. In other words the individual has a problem protecting their own space and their energy resources.

Such individuals tend to quietly accept whatever is doled out them whether they like it or not. Some have become so used to living this way that if asked whether they really wanted what was being asked of them they probably would feel so disconnected from their own feelings about it they likely wouldn’t be able to tell you.

This problem has its roots in early childhood when there is a repeated violation and disregard for the needs and desires of that child. The child’s heart, where their awareness of their desires lives become shrunken and sometimes completely shut down.

What replaces it is a sense of fear; in particular the fear of not surviving if he/she doesn’t do whatever is expected of them by the adults around.

This scenario is clearly abusive towards the child even though no outright physical abuse need be present in the adult-child interactions.

When an individual is faced with such a problem they often appear to others like a person who is supposedly easy going, willing to please, and self effacing, lacks self esteem and self worth. Often the image of a martyr comes to mind.

Such a role, as I said, can become so fully entrenched in the person’s way of relating to the world that they think they benefit from it in some way. Usually it’s only to avoid experiencing perceived repercussions that are projected onto others in their lives and which most often are not real.

There is often a great energy drain that such individuals experience within their own bodies because they have to hold back a great deal of anger and sadness at having essentially given up all of their power to others.

This drain can manifest at some point as a physical illness. Cancer comes to mind as one possible outcome of a chronic form of such a stance towards life.

If a person is aware however of some degree of frustration with their situation and is willing to find a new way of being this can be accomplished through a new modality that helps them to unearth the deeper feelings in a powerful and effective manner that can essentially transform their lives and their relationships.

It is my view that such a journey can literally save a person’s life through the avoidance of a physical illness.

Are you unhappy with your relationship? Are you confused with the way it is and can’t understand how it got so bad? Are you looking at how to find a solution to what seems like an unsolvable problem?

Intolerable situations are parts of your life and relationship you have been putting up with that are wearing you out, both emotionally and physically.

If you find yourself dealing with issues in which you feel stuck and can’t seem to find an answer to, consider the following questions:

*What were your top five needs at the time you got in the place you are in?

*Were you frightened, so you settled for where you are out of desperation?

*Did you think you didn’t really have any other choices?

*Have you currently outgrown those needs?

*Or do you need to find better coping strategies if you must stay where you are?

Think about the following ideas to help you resolve your situation:

1. Perceived needs aren’t necessarily the truth.

Every time we have an intolerable situation, it is because we had a perceived need or value that has become too expensive in our lives. For example, you may have had a need to marry someone who could take care of you economically. However, after living with this person, you may find that the cost has been too high to your mental and emotional health, and that in fact, it would be easier to learn how to take care of yourself.

2. Some commitments are costly.

Sometimes we have an unrealistic commitment to a value, which causes life to be difficult. For example, you feel you must be loyal to a friend, or a relationship, no matter what they do or say to you. You may be so committed to the value of being loyal, you have forgotten how to be kind to yourself.

3. Picture the future.

How long can your intolerable situation continue in your life? Can you picture what your life will be in 2007 if you continue being where you are? How about 2006? Sometimes picturing the future helps us let go of what is intolerable in the present.

4. Discover your choices.

When we are in intolerable situations, it is difficult to access our creativity to generate what we need. What are your methods and patterns for coping with stress? Can you consider a different strategy to deal with this situation? We always have choices.

5. Take one action; change one thing.

Go back and look at your life in the past. When was it as bad as it is now? How did you deal with the stress then? What one thing could you change that you did not do in the past that would have made your situation easier?

False, unrealistic hope can make all of us gullible. Many people commit to a relationship because they have an illusion of what they want, rather than being able to see what truly exists.

After you make a list of all the possible choices you have, and the actions you can take, make a list of people you can talk to about them. Ask for insight into your patterns, history, and reactions to stress.

Once you get yourself unstuck, you can look right around the corner for the one who looks for you. Because you will become more available and more alive with your own possibility.

February is the second month in our calendar year. This month we celebrate and focus our attention on relationships and their purpose.

Relationships are a critical part of our lives and influence us in many ways. Positive relationships contribute to our sense of satisfaction, positive self regard, and balance. Within positive relationships, giving is a joy and receiving is a privilege.

Relationships show up in our lives when we need them to teach us a lesson about ourselves. This applies to relationships in the work place as well. For example, you may get a new boss who is consistently asking to stay longer and commit to new projects. Or, a good friend looking to seize her position as a partner in her law firm may come to you asking for a piece of business. Or, the boss who is verbally demeaning toward his secretary. In each case, you are confronted with making choices and learning from them. Will you decide to tell your boss that your plate is already full? Will you whole heartedly pass business along to your friend? Will you stand along side and support the secretary? Each choice yields a consequence which in turn leads to growth and learning.

Many times, the message embeded within a relationship is: set boundaries, choose you, adhere to your values, or set higher standards. We need to be aware that some relationships come into our lives in order to test our commitment to ourselves, values and standards. These relationships can be draining and difficult. However, if we recognize this fact and sit in our integrity when the time comes, we will endure with certainty and confidence.

Although work environments and the relationships within them can be competitive, it is important that we focus on the relationships that do work. When relationships are based on mutual respect and good intentions, a balance between give and take manifests. As a result, we feel fulfilled, accepted, supported, and loved. Positive and authentic relationships are a gift. They allow us to wholeheartedly share our wins and our losses. They nurture and inspire us.

50 Reasons to Leave Skid Marks (Just one is reason enough to run fast!)

1. Either of you is married and not completely available.

2. The other is an active alcoholic or drug user, using substances regularly to avoid feelings.

3. You see the first sign of physical or mental abuse: put downs, degrading comments, pushing, shoving, or hitting.

4. The other person says he does not want to be in a relationship.

5. You are not taken on dates and courted.

6. You are a “friend with benefits.”

7. You are called for last minute get-togethers and rarely go out on dates.

8. You’re not allowed to express your feelings and are labeled emotional.

9. There is no clear, genuine communication.

10. You feel as if you are walking on eggshells to accommodate the other person.

11. The other person rarely, if ever, lets you know he can be counted on.

12. After six months, you do not know the other person’s family or friends.

13. Your relationship is kept secret.

14. After having been physically intimate with you for weeks or months, the other person no longer allows sexual relations.

15. After expressing love for you, he takes back what he said.

16. You rarely go places or do things together.

17. You have vastly different views about life.

18. Your spiritual or religious preferences are not honored and respected.

19. The other person tries to change you.

20. After intimacy, you are treated like a stranger.

21. You are put down in front of other people.

22. You are stood up for a date or plans.

23. Plans are repeatedly broken and not reset for another time.

24. You are sexually abused.

25. He speaks badly behind the backs of other people he is “seeing.”

26. Just about every other woman in his life is “just a friend” (that he slept with previously).

27. You are referred to as “someone I know.”

28. There is no physical chemistry or passion in bed.

29. You cannot talk to him about anything.

30. If you have a misunderstanding, he ends your relationship rather than talking it out.

31. You never go on any sort of vacation or getaway with him.

32. You are not acknowledged on special occasions and holidays.

33. You are threatened in any manner.

34. Your relationship has all kinds of restrictions and boundaries that prevent intimacy.

35. After a few years you still do not share a life together or a genuine monogamous relationship.

36. He lets you know about the other people he is having sex with (to see if you get jealous).

37. He plays games with your feelings and tries to manipulate you.

38. He cuts off communication when you are trying to discuss something that bothers you.

39. He tells you to find someone else. (Do that!)

40. He can be intimate with you only if he is drunk or high.

41. The relationship is off balance and one-sided, to suit his needs, without reciprocation.

42. Your personal growth is not honored.

43. He tries to control your finances and tells you what you can and cannot spend.

44. You have a telephone or Internet relationship and rarely get together in person.

45. No effort is made to see you in person regularly.

46. He goes out without you and calls you when he gets home in the middle of the night, but he rarely takes you out.

47. He refuses to talk openly about where you stand with each other.

48. He breaks up or stops contact with you repeatedly, and refuses to communicate openly, honestly, and authentically.

49. He makes it clear to you that you are “just friends” after you have been intimate.

50. Weeks go by without hearing from him at all.

Take a good look at both of the lists. Which one describes your relationship? Do you see it written all over the pages? This list points to a string along relationship. The One has the first list.

50 Reasons to Stay (You need all of them.)

1. You share honest communication.

2. You share similar values.

3. You both have an expressed desire to be in the relationship and make to flourish.

4. You experience passion in bed.

5. You both follow through on what is said.

6. You respect each other’s life path.

7. You respect each other’s spiritual values.

8. You support each other in your careers and life purpose.

9. You have a real friendship.

10. You know each other’s friends and family.

11. You’re available for each other in case of an emergency.

12. You’re able to reach mutually agreeable solutions for differing opinions or preferences.

13. You talk out what is bothering you.

14. You acknowledge each other on special days such as birthday and holidays.

15. You can confide in each other.

16. You have a solid sense of self and the courage to speak up when something bothers you.

17. You know where you stand with each other.

18. You work out problems rather than run away from them.

19. You show each other respect in public and in private.

20. You honor and listen to what the other person is trying to communicate.

21. You share similar views on lifestyle.

22. You allow each other time alone.

23. You each allow the other to be who he is and don’t try to change him.

24. You each control your own individual finances.

25. You talk openly about changes you see happening in the other person and in yourself.

26. Both of you are single and completely available.

27. You show love, care, and respect to children you may have.

28. You share a vision together for the future.

29. You can work as a team.

30. You can each allow small quirks to go over your head, without a fuss.

31. You can say how you really feel.

32. You both honor and respect the other person’s feelings.

33. The relationship has zero verbal, physical and mental abuse—including put-downs and degrading comments.

34. The relationship has zero jealousy, games, and manipulation.

35. You have real dates.

36. After time, you create a full life together.

37. You take short (or long) vacations together.

38. If you live together, you share responsibilities equally.

39. Each of you monitors yourself and not the other person.

40. You both do what you want to do and allow the other person to do the same.

41. You respect each other’s exploration of new interests.

42. You know where you stand sexually and are honest with each other about it.

43. If you love each other and are having great difficulties that you want to work out, you seek professional counseling.

44. You are fully supportive of each other’s individual expression.

45. You treat each other as The One.

46. You talk to each other rather than to your friends or family about what is bothering you.

47. You do small things for each other out of kindness and love.

48. You let each other know in words and actions that you are there and can be counted on.

49. You take risks by being your authentic self in all areas.

50. You are completely honest, from your heart, and you don’t hide your truth because of the fears in your head.

Dale Carnegie famously pointed out that you can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.

Although Dale Carnegie died in 1955, his work in personal development lives on. His classic book, How to Win Friends and Influence People was first published in 1937 and is considered the grandfather of all ‘people skill’ books since then.

Because of his great understanding of human nature, his books and fundamental teachings are just as popular today. In fact, the title of his book is so widely used as a phrase, that some people who say it that may not even know where the phrase ‘how to win friends and influence people’ comes from.

Here are his six principles in making people like you:

1. Become genuinely interested in other people.

I think we’ve all met someone that pretend to be interested in you but you can sense that they really aren’t. There doesn’t seem to be anything genuine about these types of people. We tend to label them ‘phoney.’ This is probably one case where fake it until you make won’t work. So, how do you become genuinely interested in other people? You’ll want to ask them questions. Learn what they do, what they like. Everyone likes to talk about him or herself. Get them to talk about their dreams!

2. Smile.

Not much to add, here. When you walk into a room with a smile on your face, you might as well be carrying a people magnet.

3. Use a person´s name.

Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language. Just like in the old romantic movies: “Oh, John… John!” “Oh, Mary, dear Mary!”

4. Be a good listener.

Encourage others to talk about themselves. When you do this with a sincere and genuine interest in the other person you cannot fail to encourage that person to feel appreciated and valued. This is a key trait of anyone who has mastered people skills.

5. Talk in terms of the other person’s interests.

Again, this principle stresses making time to listen to others to find out what is of interest to them. Let their interests guide the direction of the conversation and you will enjoy a solid rapport that encourages friendship.

6. Make the other person feel important - and do it sincerely.

This cannot be faked for long. Look for the good in others and respect other viewpoints, beliefs and lifestyles. Even ones that do not make sense to you. This flexibility is important if you are to respect the other person.

His last three points, tie into the first. How to win friends and influence people is a book that reminds us that anything you do from a place of fellowship will have a good result. He uses this fable to prove his point:

The sun and the wind were arguing about who was the strongest. The wind pointed at an old man. The wind said that he’d prove his strength by getting the man to remove his coat. He blew and howled and blew some more.

The old man clung to his coat more than ever. When the wind finally gave up, the sun came out from behind a cloud and shone brightly. Soon the man was wiping his forehead and removing his coat.

During the month of February, we celebrate and focus our attention on relationships. Relationships are a critical part of our personal and professional lives, and they influence us in many ways. Relationships contribute to our sense of satisfaction, self regard, and balance.

In simple terms, the essence of relationships is the ability to give and receive. As a result, our communication skills are implicitly linked to the quality of our relationships; better communication skills = better relationships.

The first step in communicating effectively is learning to receive the message, i.e. listen. As simple as it sounds, so many people fail to listen fully, leaving the speaker feeling dejected, insignificant and/or frustrated. The goal in listening is to glean an understanding of the speaker’s message. Attaining this goal takes focus, attention, and an open mind. Additionally, listening requires us to hear with our eyes as well as our ears. Picking up on nonverbal communication, tone, and other nuances is essential in interpreting what the speaker really means.

The second step in communicating effectively is learning to send the message effectively. Like listening, speaking effectively is not as simple as it sounds. Speaking requires us to put our thoughts into clear chunks of information that can be easily understood by our audience. Long diatribes can cause the listener to become tired, lose interest and shift focus, resulting in a communication breakdown. In addition, speaking candidly can be very difficult.

Many times we hold ourselves back by engaging in self-doubt and fear. Before speaking we may think to ourselves: What if this sounds stupid, What if I am wrong? What if I am giving them information they already know? Expressing oneself fully means mustering up the courage to potentially sound foolish or repeat information that our listener(s) may already know. In addition, it means honoring our feelings, opinions, and knowledge. By holding back, we deny others the opportunity to learn from us and grow. By speaking your truth, you give the listener material to work with. From there, s/he has the choice to agree, disagree, or just accept what you have said.

Relationships work when we balance speaking candidly and listening fully. When communication is based on openness, mutual respect, and good intentions, each participant feels accepted and validated. Effective communication skills allow us to share agreements and disagreements. They also enable us to solve conflicts and celebrate accomplishments. As a result, our relationships are nurtured and enhanced.

See my Simple Solutions page for Tips on Communicating Effectively!

Valentine’s Day has been described as tacky, smarmy, rude, damaging, evil. Even those who’re in love on Valentine’s Day don’t seem to like it all that much, except maybe for the goodies. I’m in love, and I don’t like it all that much. After eighteen years of marriage, I still don’t know what to get my husband, if I should get something for my husband. And I dislike shopping. I dislike choosing. I’m not known for my wonderful gifts.

The problem is, what Valentine’s Day delivers most is pressure. Either pressure to find someone to have Valentine’s Day with, or pressure to be romantic with the man you have – as if there weren’t better things to do.

So I pretend. I pretend this is fun. And then I realize anything is fun if you think it is, and anything is yucky if you’re crabby about it, and I just feel like being crabby about this. So I can imagine how many men might feel. And then I realize I’m wrong. I’m just dead wrong about the whole thing.

As I said last issue, men like giving girls presents. They do. And my problem is I’m uncomfortable being on the receiving end. I worry about what to give back just because I’m weirded out by a whole day devoted to the idea of giving to me!

So, let’s pretend something else. Let’s pretend we’re in love with everything. With ourselves, with our mates, our dates, the man across the movie theater lobby. Does it feel good, or does it feel like a lie?

If you answered It’s a lie – there’s no man in my life at all! Rori, you’re mad. Or My husband barely stops working long enough to even notice I’m in the room, except for Valentine’s Day, because he has to, you’re not alone. The hardest job in any of our lives is believing that what we see is not necessarily what there is.

I don’t have love, what do I do about it? is why I hold classes, why we get together to talk. My man is standing in his slippers in the living room, or there’s that cute man buying frozen pizzas, but I don’t have love because he’ll never give it to me. Or I won’t really want it from him. Except for Valentine’s Day. Maybe. I won’t get loved. I want to believe, but I can’t. I don’t.

I’m all about undoing this. Undoing what we believe is real is our first challenge on the way to getting love. Since we never can really know what is going to happen in the next moment, is the statement I won’t get love true? How would you know whether or not it’s true? What if it isn’t true? What if you are going to get love, and pretty fast, too? If in the blink of an eye we suddenly realize we do have it, or we will have it, the first thought may be Whoa – what a lot of time I just wasted assuming I’m not going to get love. I just wasted about five days assuming that because that fellow I had that great time with last week hasn’t called me back, or because my husband seems intent on pretending I’m not exactly, really here, I won’t get love. If it’s a lie, then it’s exhausting to hold up that lie.

How do we turn this around? How do we all of a sudden see love, believe in love, get love, if we don’t believe it’s there for us? As a famous sporting equipment provider says – Just do it.

The kind of depression, anxiety, blues, mopyness, melancholy, rage that comes and goes (not the kind that comes to live with us day and night – please, I encourage anyone living with the blues to see one of the alternative practitioners I’ve featured here) comes from our deep core beliefs about ourselves, from experiences so far in our history we can’t remember, and from our day to day practice. Imagine trying to undo years of practicing pain by practicing faith. If we were able to stop practicing pain on a daily basis, and yet it took a day to undo every day we’ve practiced pain, we’d be spending our lives slowly undoing our lives. That seems so dreadfully long. It seems like a lot of work.

Like dieting - if I can’t get into that dress tomorrow, I might as well have the hot fudge sundae and forget about the dress - undoing pain seems like an all-or-nothing job. It seems so daunting, love seems so far away, we stop just a few steps into the journey and resist continuing on until we re-convince ourselves it’s just not ever going to be really there. I attract men who are unavailable, I attract older men, I just can’t seem to meet men, there aren’t any decent men, all the good men are taken, he’s just set in his ways, he’s just clueless, he’ll never change is way easier to say to ourselves than whoops – I’m headed down the wrong road here, better change course.

You’re going to have to trust me here - changing course is easier than going on with the lie.

Don’t make it hard. Don’t analyze and process, even if it’s your personality style. Just stop yourself wherever you are down the road, sit quiet for a minute, then turn around. Swivel. Put your back to the road that’s marked No Love. You’ll just have to have faith, even though you can’t see it, that there’s plenty of love to be had. And even if you don’t know where the road marked Plenty of Love is, even if you have no idea where to turn first, just turn your back to the lie of No Love and step forward.

In an instant you will feel better. Imagine ahead of you is the place marked Love. Imagine that place starts where you’re standing. You can have love if you want love. And even if you’re not certain at this moment that you really do want love, if you like, I’ll want it for you. I’ll hold your place in the place marked Love.

It’s like believing in Tinkerbell. Like believing in fairies. Even with all evidence to the contrary, with images of grief, disaster, stupidity and pain thrown into our faces minute by minute, think about the everyday images of love, peace, harmony, friendship that we’re not even looking at, glorious images of beautiful moments that might be right in front of our faces. We can be as much a part of love as we are a part of pain.

Do you have someone who can feel the pain in your eyes? Do you have someone who can understand the ache of your heart? Do you have someone who can understand your misery? Do you have someone who can understand your helplessness? Do you have someone who can wipe your tears? Do you have someone who will not ask you not to cry, but will give you a shoulder to cry upon? Do you have someone who waits for you? Do you have someone who keeps awake with you? Do you have someone who will talk to people on your behalf? Do you have someone who will feel the pain of your life? Do you have someone who knows that you don’t want to live, but are forced to live? Do you have a true companion?

I am not talking only about a wife or a husband or a friend or a companion? Anyone it can be. But do you have someone who understands you and who is with you always? If yes, you are a very lucky person. God has given you all the luck you wanted. Because getting a person like what I talked above is very difficult. You will rather find that during your time of hardships, pains and misery, you are alone. No one will understand your actions or motives. They will argue with you. They will suggest you. But they will not be with you. You will have to face your misery all alone and on that day, you will cry for someone who understands you.

You will not get that person. Your beating heart may stop with the pain. People will gather to bury you. But no one will help you live, when you wanted. That time you will probably thank death for getting you away from this world of loneliness.

I’ll be the first to admit I’m the “Donna-come-lately” in this game of simultaneously managing a business and a romantic relationship. When I was married the first time around at age 26, I worked in higher education administration and was completely and totally devoted to my job — not necessarily to the exclusion of my marriage — but for many years my marriage and my relationship took a back seat to my job. Big mistake. That issue and a host of other reasons led to the dissolution of my marriage and the finalization of my divorce after almost 10 years of marriage in 1999.

I went for two full years without dating, as I needed to grieve the relationship and heal myself and come to terms with all of my issues surrounding my marriage and divorce before deciding to put my toe again into the dating pool and foist all of these hangups on some unsuspecting guy. This aspect of my healing went pretty well, although I’ll have to admit it took probably 3 years or so after my initial separation to fully work through all the anger I had about the relationship and the divorce.

I began dating again and vowed that things would be different this time. I discovered, however, that dating had changed dramatically in the 13 years or so that I’d been absent from the dating scene, and that I still had alot to learn about being a good partner in a romantic relationship, as well as in figuring out what I wanted in a romantic partner. I saw the good, bad, and ugly sides of men, kissed alot of frogs, and learned a great deal about myself and what I really wanted during my journey.

Synchronicity occurs when you’re ready and open to receive what you truly want. For me, that occurred last fall when I met the man I had been looking for all of my life, Eric. For me, it was love almost at first sight, but I knew by our second date that I had never had this degree of compatibility with anyone I had ever dated before — not even my ex-husband, and I had married him!

Our relationship is still in its infancy, although we both feel like we’ve been together and known each other forever. Perhaps we have in another life, if you believe in reincarnation…..

Here are some things I’ve learned through the school of hard knocks that’s helping me maintain this relationship, as well as run a business, without losing either:

1. Put your partner and the relationship first. Running a business can be a 24/7 job, but the old adage about “no one ever says on their deathbed that they wished they’d spent more time at the office” is true. Eric and I make time for each other during the day, despite working different schedules (he works many night and weekend shifts, and I run my business during the weekday business hours). If he’s at work, we manage to talk at least twice for short periods during his 12-hour shift, and if he’s home during the day when I’m working at home, we try and eat one meal together. At a minimum we drop into each other’s home offices for several quick smooches or hugs or quick “how are you doing” conversations.

In the past he’s expressed to me his concerns that our relationship is interfering with my business. I’ve told him that he’s right — it is — and that because he’s in my life, I’ve had to start thinking about my business differently and work in it differently than I did as a single person. I don’t work the long hours that I used to work before he came into my life. It takes me longer to get things done, but it’s a sacrifice that I’m willing to make. Businesses come and go, but finding a soulmate is VERY hard work.

2. Your partner needs to be your best friend. Eric is the one with whom I share everything. I may not always like what he says, but I respect his opinion. When I was married, I somehow got off track with my ex in terms of sharing my hopes and dreams and what I wanted in life, and shared those exclusively with my best female friend. My ex was left out of the loop, and I made many decisions about our relationship on my own, after talking about the issue with my best female friend, not my ex-husband. Having 3 people in a relationship (2 spouses and a best friend) is one too many. Sharing information with a best friend is fine, but don’t do it to the exclusion of your romantic partner, if you want your relationship to survive.

3. Create a calendar consisting of free days, business development days, and profit-generating days. I have mapped out on my calendar my free days (weekends, days off, holidays, and vacation days), my business development days (when I write, speak, conduct marketing activities or pursue strategic alliances) and profit-generating days (when I’m working directly with clients). This has been an exercise in extreme discipline for me, as the temptation is always there to do some type of work on my free days. However, in the last year, I’ve made myself keep my free days free, as I need that time to get away from my business and have fun and recharge.

Since Eric has come into my life, we’ve set aside some of that time for date nights or weekend vacations when he’s doesn’t have to work on a weekend. His impish side comes out on his days off during the week when he tries to lure me out of my office to go out and goof off with him. I’ve succumbed to his whims on occasion, but haven’t quite gotten my business to the point of of having it run successfully without me. That’s my next goal — to have more flexibility in my business so that it’s not so dependent on my presence in my office.

4. Share your business highs and lows with your partner. Every time I have a big business “win”, Eric is the first to hear about it. When something doesn’t go the way I’d hoped, I tell him first. My business is important to me, as is Eric’s job to him, so we both make it a point to ask how the day has gone for the other, and sit and listen patiently to the good and bad portions of each other’s day. As we’re both problem-solvers, it’s difficult for each of us to sometimes simply let the other one vent, as we’re already thinking of solutions to whatever situation is at hand. Sometimes one of us has to say, “Do you just want to vent and have me listen?” when one of us shifts into the unwanted problem-solving mode.

5. Make time for each other. When you have opposing work schedules, as Eric and I have, and add mandatory overtime that Eric has to work frequently during the year, we may see little of each other over the course of a week. We’ve both gotten good at sensing that we’re losing track of each other, and requesting a “date night” so we can talk and play and catch up.

6. Never go to bed angry. By far, this is the hardest lesson I’ve had to learn. When I was married, I would get angry at my ex and give him the silent treatment for days because I knew it drove him crazy. Usually by day 3 or so he would crack, and we’d make up. Now that I look back on this, I realize how immature and juvenile this way of fighting is, so the silent treatment is out as a way of fighting in my current relationship. Eric and I have had our share of spats and disagreements, and I’m almost always the first one to wave the white flag for a truce and an end to the argument, usually within the course of an hour or so. Life is just too short to continue to fight in stupid ways, and it’s hard to regroup in a relationship if you let something fester overnight.

7. Forgive each other for being human. It took me a long time to acknowledge that I’m not perfect, and even longer to figure out that no romantic relationship is perfect, either. Give up the notion of perfection and accept each other as you are. One of my great faults in romantic relationships has always been the need to “fix” my partner. I’d see the potential in a guy and stay in a relationship long after it was dead, under the guise of, “Well, if you’d only do this and this and this, you’d be so great, because you have so much potential.” Oprah said something along the lines of, “believe what they tell you the first time they tell it.” We all bring our quirks, our baggage, and our eccentricities into relationships, and do and say things that drive our partners completely nuts. Remember that forgiveness is divine, and that it’ll only be a matter of time before you need forgiveness.

8. Say “I love you” every day…and mean it. I feel so lucky and so fortunate to have finally met the man of my dreams. I always thought that often-quoted line, “You complete me,” that Renee Zellweger’s character says to Tom Cruise’s character in the movie, Jerry Maguire, was so hokey. However, now that I’ve found someone with whom I’m so compatible, I’ve discovered a whole new meaning and nuance to that line. I tell Eric that I love him at least once each and every day, and then go on to tell him some trait or some action he’s taken that makes me fall in love with him all over again.

Being in love and running a business don’t have to be mutually exclusive. Both endeavors are hard work, and if you forget that point, you can lose one or the other in a flash. Take time to nourish both your business and your romantic relationship, and discover how having both in your life will make your life all the richer.

This is a common theme that is discussed by those who are in love, or by their friends. Why does one feel jealous? Is the relationship weak? If the relationship is strong, should one feel jealous at all? Or it is one’s genes? I mean, if I am very sure that I love a girl and I am totally committed to her, and I believe that she is equally in love with me, why should I feel jealous? Or why should she feel jealous? But jealousy is a fact of life. Let us examine more of jealousy.

Let us take a simple example. Say, your child loves one of your neighbors and she is equally attentive to him/her. Would you feel jealous of that or proud about that? Would you try to take away your child from the neighbor? Would you confront the neighbor? You may do nothing like this, if I am not wrong in my analysis. But what if your child is replaced by your spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend? Your reaction may be entirely different. If yes, why? What is the difference in both the situations?

The main difference is faith. You have total faith that your child may run around and play with many people around the day. But he/she will return to you at night, or if hungry, or if injured? Am I correct? You don’t have the same faith with your lover/spouse. And that is the main cause of jealousy. Somewhere in your mind, you are always wondering about your looks, your intelligence, your relationship skills and all other factors that may break your relationship and make your spouse/lover go into another relationship.

Can any relationship that is based on such slippery thoughts be a happy relationship? Can it survive long without problems? No. The best way out is to discuss without hesitation everything in your mind with your spouse/lover and expose all your fears. Be totally open. Try to find out all that is in the mind of your partner in the same way. Discuss everything and decide that come what may, your relationship is here to stay. Give that commitment and take that commitment in return. And enjoy life forever without bothering about jealousy. If after all the discussion, both of you come to a conclusion that the commitment is not strong for each other, make a clean break. We cannot sail in a boat in the deep seas, and try to enjoy sailing, while constantly getting worried about the sea worthiness of the boat. Am I correct? We should begin sailing only after making sure about the boat first. Jealousy mainly comes in our mind because we are not sure of the love and commitment. Take care of that to live a happy life.

Friends are a gift of God. If we have good friends, we should assume that God has showered us with His unlimited grace. What does a good friend mean? What are the differences between ordinary friends and good friends? What is friendship?

Let us begin our enquiry by asking about what is friendship? Can it be defined? What is the relationship of friendship? What qualities does this relationship have? When two persons share common interests, care for each other, enjoy being together and help each other, they are called as friends. Is this a correct definition? It broadly covers the areas of friendship.

For being a good friend, we should share more of these qualities. Is that right? Say, you share some interests with your friend, and there are few things that interest you, but are of no interest to your friend. Does this make your friendship ordinary? Sit back and count your good friends. Now count the interests that you share and those that you don’t. Is there any mathematical formula? Can one be a good friend, even if one shares very few interests? Provided of course, that our qualities that I mentioned above are in plenty?

What about caring for each other? Many a times, we find that friends are careless in their relationship, but when it comes to crunch situations, they come forward with all their might and show tremendous care. Does this imply, that even if a friend is not much caring on a day-to-day basis, he/she can still be a good friend, if there is a strong affinity that brings them together?

Let us talk of enjoying each other’s company. Does this mean that good friends avoid others? Are they always found together? What if they don’t meet each other for a month? This relationship is indefinable. Isn’t it? Because being a good friend of someone may mean that we care for each other deeply, but need not show it always. We are ready to help whenever the need arises. That even if we are not together all the time, we love being together. We defend each other whenever any external threat arises. The last test is the final test of good friendship. Friends may remain away for a long period and continue with their life, but when the need arises, they are together. They share a bond that ties them together. They have shared so much with each other that the past always carries itself in the future.

Friendship means that we like each other. We have shared some great moments together. We value and respect each other. Unless there is a bond of hearts and emotions, no outward sign can make a friendship good.

Can you imagine what your relationship would be like if you could stop…

• Being so sensitive

• Getting mad so quickly

• Feeling left out

• Telling little white lies

• Flirting to get attention

• Giving him the silent treatment

• Ignoring her opinion

• Getting your feelings hurt

Are you plagued by any of these or other similar annoying behavior?

You’re about to give your loved one a great gift! Yup, you’re going to stop doing what drives you and your partner crazy.

How?

By following these ~

4 Simple Steps to STOP Doing Most Anything

Step 1 - New Behavior

First of all you need to decide what you want to replace your unwanted behavior with. If you only think about what you don’t want to do, your behavior cannot change. You must carefully consider what you want to do.

Step 2 - STOP Sign

The next time you find yourself starting into your unwanted behavior do this. Imagine a huge STOP sign popping up in front of you. Literally stop whatever you are doing and replace it with the New Behavior.

Step 3 - Rehearse

In the privacy of your home mentally rehearse or physically act out your New Behavior [what you’re going to do and say] in multiple situations you find you kick into your unwanted behavior. Do this more than once. Do it every time you slip back into the old behavior.

Step 4 - Secret Signal

Get your partner involved. Between the two of you decide on a secret signal, a signal that she/he will give you when she/he sees you getting into your unwanted behavior.

That’s it, real simple yet very effective.

This will be a great help to you and will do another very important thing, by involving your partner it shows her/him how serious you are about changing.

Follow each of these steps carefully and review them from time to time. Don’t expect perfection the first time you’re out there, but keep working at it.

Remember, it probably took you a long time to develop your unwanted behavior it will take some time to apply and live your New Behavior.

The guy you’re dating tends to be a little less than punctual. The woman you’re seeing isn’t the neatest when it comes to her pocketbook, or her apartment. And it bothers you. A lot. So what do you do about it? You do what you’ve done before - you end the relationship. But if you find that you’re rejecting too many dating partners because of some “little things” you don’t like about them, then I suggest you reconsider. Because what bothers you about them, might really be about you instead.

Sure, you say you have to be with someone who values punctuality as much as you because you’ve worked so hard on it. And all of those little piles in your apartment? Well, you’ve developed an intricate system that keeps them from growing any bigger. So how could you be with someone who doesn’t have these same priorities?

The truth is, everyone has limitations that have to be dealt with. We manage our “inner slob” by working hard to keep clutter at bay and maintaining our organization strategies. We control our “inner grouch” by not showing our irritation when confronted with inattentive waiters or careless drivers. So why does it make someone else “rejectable” if they aren’t as on top of their own inner slob or inner grouch as you?

I believe that the problem is actually about the acceptance and tolerance of one’s own imperfections and limitations. That’s right. I say “one’s own” because that’s what this is really about — not accepting your own inner slob or grouch to the extent that it’s actually okay for someone else to be messy or grouchy. Rejecting someone on the basis of these little things is especially harmful when the man or woman you’re dating otherwise happens to be a kind, considerate, generous, honest, and trustworthy person. And you’re rejecting him because he gets impatient with a slow cashier? Or ending the relationship because she’s always losing her keys?

Angie had been dating Darren for about 4 months when he showed up for a date wearing extremely frayed pants. Her tolerance had reached a breaking point — his apartment was constantly a mess, and his rumpled look was no longer seen as merely a “quirk” in his personality. Angie herself was meticulously groomed and prided herself on being neat and organized. Darren happened to be a very generous, kind, loyal and hardworking man who treated Angie like a queen - he just didn’t always look like a prince - and Angie freaked out. Angie complained to me, “My boyfriend is a slob! I don’t think that appearances are my priority but I always took it for granted that I would live in a nice-looking home (according to my means) with a neat-looking husband . . . . I’m at my wit’s end!”

I reminded Angie of Darren’s many enduring qualities, and she admitted that Darren was more than what he appeared to be on the outside. She realized that her own interest in dressing was cultivated over the course of many years. So rather than call it quits, Angie went into action — she bought Darren some new clothes, a few items at a time, and then gently suggested that he give/throw away some of the old and tattered stuff. Even though this was difficult, he did get rid of some things, and his wardrobe gradually improved. She sometimes inadvertently left the receipts in the bags, which when Darren found he would leave a check to reimburse her.

Jack saw early on that Emily was unfocused and scattered. She was a creative and successful artist, but very disorganized, both at work and in her personal life. Emily would get dates mixed up on her calendar, be frequently overdrawn at the bank, and let her car run on “Empty” long before filling up. Jack, on the other hand, was addicted to his Blackberry, which he dedicated to organizing and running his life.

One evening, Emily was to meet Jack at a restaurant to entertain a client. After waiting for 45 minutes, he called to find out why she was delayed. She stuttered that she had run into traffic, but would be there within 15 minutes. Another 45 minutes passed and Emily finally showed up. Jack was upset, angry and embarrassed, believing that she had in fact forgotten about the appointment until he phoned her. He secretly planned to tell her that the relationship was over after dinner, until she presented Jack’s client with two hand-crafted picture frames, decorated with cut pieces of tile and ornate beads. Jack saw the wet glue on the gifts and concluded that Emily had become so engrossed in the creative process that she had lost track of time. While he could appreciate the generous nature of the gifts, he still didn’t trust if Emily could follow through on her commitments to their relationship.

I reminded Jack that pre-Blackberry, his life was a lot less manageable. We acknowledged that he had to learn how to pace himself when engrossed in a task, as he used to pull frequent all-nighters to complete a project, and end up paying heavy personal consequences. So while he could empathize with Emily’s deep concentration, he was still frustrated by her scattered-ness and disorganization, especially since he worked so hard on overcoming these tendencies in himself.

Jack decided to see if Emily would accept his help before breaking up with her. He told her how beautiful, creative and talented he thought she was, but that some of her disorganized behaviors affected him, and consequently their relationship, in negative ways. Emily admitted that she too was bothered by the constant tumult in her life, but didn’t want to become a slave to a Blackberry (like him). Determining Emily’s primary need was to stay on top of her projects and appointments, they searched Craigslist together to find a part-time personal assistant. Emily could then focus on what she excelled at — being imaginative and creative, and building a relationship with Jack based on trust and reliability.

Angie and Jack were so bothered by their dating partners’ limitations because they were limitations that they struggled with themselves. Perhaps if they had truly conquered their needs to be neat and groomed (Angie) or organized (Jack), they could have transcended and tolerated the same limitations in their partners. Instead, they focused on only one small aspect of the other, so that the true and essential merits of who they were dating were ultimately demoted.

Women often complain that their husbands or relationship partners never express their feelings. Often they get angry thinking that their partners don’t have feelings and don’t really care. In my work as a psychotherapist, I help men learn how to express their feelings every day so I know from many years of experience that men do have feelings and that they can definitely learn to express them.

Since we’re learning that healthy relationships require that men and women learn to discuss their feelings with each other, I believe that we, as women, need to help our partners overcome the old programming that says real men don’t show their feelings. I’ve put together some tools you can use if you want to help your partner learn how to show you more of what’s really in his heart:

1. Feelings: Remember that your partner does have feelings even if he doesn’t know how to express them. He’s just been trained and programmed not to show them. Show him what a healthy relationship is by talking about your feelings without attacking him.

2. Feelings: Show him that you love him and that you’re on his side every day. You can do this in lots of little ways, like hugging him hello and goodbye, complimenting him everyday about something you value or appreciate about your relationship and by doing little things to show him you care.

3. Feelings: Ask him open-ended questions and listen without interrupting. If he starts to talk and you interrupt him or make him wrong in some way, he’ll probably shut you out and go into his cave. Healthy relationships require both that both partners really listen to each other.

4. Feelings: Paraphrase back to him what you heard him say with feeling words. For example “When you talk about your job, you sound frustrated and overwhelmed.” Then let him tell you whether you heard him accurately or not. Paraphrasing what your partner says will benefit your relationship because it helps you both to slow down and really understand each other.

5. Feelings: When you have feelings you want to share with him, use the formula, “When you… I feel… because I need… and I’d appreciate…” a. “When you” is completely non-judgmental, and non-evaluative. b. “I feel” is a message about yourself and your personal feelings, like “I’m scared” or “I’m hurt.” c. “Because I need” is a universal need, not “I need you to change.” It’s what anyone would need in that situation, like “I need compassion,” or “I need understanding” or “I need support.” d. “I’d appreciate” is a specific, do-able request, like “I’d appreciate if you would call and let me know if you’re going to be later than we planned.” Utilizing these simple steps will help you learn to discuss difficult relationship issues without attacking each other.

6. Feelings: Treat everything your partner shares with you as sacred ground! Never, ever use his feelings against him when you’re angry. Your relationship could be permanently damaged by using your partner’s feelings against him!

7. Feelings: Always thank him for trusting you–even if you’ve known him for 30 years! Letting him know how much you appreciate it makes him want to try again next time. Your relationship will be so much better and stronger when you can discuss your feelings with each other in healthy ways!

Here are some important facts to remember:

Couples that choose to live together rather than marry have no financial guarantee if it all goes pear shaped. For example, a couple contributing different amounts to a mortgage or deposit has no legal rights; the name on the title deed will receive the whole property, irrespective of the other persons investment.

National marriage statistics revealed there were 270,700 marriages in England and Wales in 2004, but there were 153,400 divorces. It also indicates the number of couples cohabiting in the UK is increasing.

Getting a trust deed through your solicitor when you buy a property is advisable so that shares of ownership are clearly defined. Its a very simple document and doesn’t really cost anymore than £200.

A trust deed, specifying shares, also protects a parent who has helped their daughter or son with a deposit, as it will mean the money is returned to them if it is a loan.

It is not just splitting up that can put an unmarried partner at risk of losing money or becoming homeless. Should your loved one die and the property is not in your name, you risk losing your home to your partners beneficiaries.

Unlike married couples, who are somewhat protected even if their partner does not have a will, cohabiting couples would be very sensible to have a will.

A married couple also does not have to pay inheritance tax on any property or assets that pass between them.

Putting both names on the title deed will mean you are covered if things go wrong.

marriage is still the best option as it gives you rights to a property even if your name is not on the contract and you have not made any notable financial contribution

People who live next door to each other seldom take the time to get to know each other. Or worst yet, co-workers go into the same building daily, and may even ride the same elevator, without even saying a word to each other. And this story goes on daily all across the land - different locations, same scenario! How much more rewarding life would be if people would only take a moment to greet each other and start to develop positive relationships!

It is my belief that we are, at times, our own worst enemy. Despite our kind and helpful intentions, we tend to shoot ourselves in the foot when it comes to developing and maintaining positive relationships.

There tends to be problems among people whenever they ignore each other or demonstrate a lack of respect. I drew this conclusion after studying this counterproductive behavior while in college and again while in the US Air Force. Consequently, I venture to say that ninety to ninety-five percent of the cases I counseled stemmed from lack of mutual respect and/or communication.

“The development of a relationship takes time, but applying the ingredients begins immediately.”

The way we learned to develop and maintain our relationships with others usually started in our homes when we were young. If our parents showed love and respect for each other, we tended to do the same for our family members. Having had positive interactions there, we took it to school and eventually to the work place. However, if we never witnessed or learned mutual respect at home, we developed an indifference for our fellow-human being. It is no wonder that we never knew how to show it.

Mutual Respect Goes a Long Way

Respect, whenever demanded, always results in “defiant compliance” (doing it because we have to, usually under pressure, not because we want to for the pure pleasure) that may lead to counterproductive behaviors. When respect is earned, on the other hand, positive things begin to happen on both sides of the fence. The only effective way to earn respect is to give it away. Then, not only will it return, but it will do so a hundredfold. The good thing about developing positive relationships is that it is never too late to do so, despite how blight the situation might seem.

Hint: To create an atmosphere of mutual respect, start by demonstrating in your words and actions respect for others, starting with your spouse and children. A good way to begin is to minimize the negative talk, in yourself and in others. Speak when the atmosphere is friendly. Your family member will be more apt to listen and respond in a friendly manner. Take what you have learned to the workplace and spread respect in similar manner there.

Putting a Little Fun into Your Life

Because we are so busy with the demands of work, home, community events, and church activities, it becomes easy to overlook an all-important aspect for building positive relationships. The good news is that it does not take as much time as we might think. The benefits come in the quality, not the quantity, of time we spend with the other person.

Hint: Spend time on a regular basis, once a week, or two or three times a week, with the other person doing something that you both enjoy. Avoid getting into the routine of making it a forced activity or schedule.

Encouragement Creates Cooperation.

If we expect others to respond to our wishes and requests, we must first believe in ourselves and in the other person as capable and productive persons. This belief, when expressed in positive and supportive words and actions, sends a strong message of encouragement. The other person quickly picks up and responds positively and cooperatively.

Hint: Minimize your mentioning of the mistakes (except in hazardous or other dangerous situations) or the weaknesses of others. Instead, recognize and acknowledge their assets and strengths. Turn their lemons into lemonade.

Show a Little Love in All You Do and Say

I often heard in counseling situations that “He says he loves me, but he never shows it.” What this person was actually saying was that she heard it in words but was not convinced by his actions (usually it a lack of action). Remember the old adage: “Action speaks louder than words”? It could not be truer here. Love is both an emotion and an action. Saying it alone is not enough. Neither is showing it by itself. For the other person to feel secure in the relationship, regardless of the level of intimacy, they need to know, see, feel, and perceive that they are on the receiving end, that the other person truly cares for them.

Hint: Expressing our love, care, and concern for the other person is both a feeling and an action that needs to be expressed in words and action. Often such expressions are most powerful whenever they are expressed at a time or occasion when the other person is least anticipating such comments and actions.

Avoid praising; it may seem artificial. Instead give encouragement; it comes across more genuine and caring.

Although mutual respect, love, and funtimes together are all important ingredients in creating positive relationships, it is the encouragement ingredient that is the most important of all. For it is through encouragement that we focus on the strengths and assets of the others. Consequently, it is this encouragement that helps them to believe in themselves and their abilities, that helps them to accept and learn from their mistakes, and that helps them to develop the courage to be themselves, imperfections and all. (This just might be the first step they needed in helping them learn how to maximize their potential.)

There you have it: The four ingredients in developing and maintaining positive relationships, mutual respect, love, having fun together, and encouragement. Now put this recipe into practice with your employees, your customers, your colleagues, and others, and watch the positive results of your behavioral investments grow beyond all leaps and bounds.

How can we define an ideal relationship? Well one way to begin is to look at where relationships fail on this planet and from there attempt to glean a vision of what might be considered ideal.

In a recent article entitled “Relationships: Why Most Relationships Fail” I make the point that most individuals form relationships based on meeting their own respective needs through the other.

In other words the relationship “becomes” about having the other say and do things that will make you feel whole, complete, validated, worthy and good about yourself. It’s no wonder that when these expectations are not regularly met that one can feel saddened, disappointed, frustrated, annoyed, betrayed, untrusting, avoidant, angry and perhaps even enraged.

So you see relationships based on such a foundation are essentially bound to fail.

Would it not be beneficial for individuals to dispense with such expectations i.e. that of getting their needs met by the other before contemplating entering into a relationship?

Well that might lead some to wonder what a relationship is supposed to consist of then.

If it’s not about getting needs met then what is one supposed to do in a relationship?

If one can get passed this conundrum the next question becomes: “Is it even possible to address all of my own personal needs before meeting someone else?”

To address the first point I will suggest that you reflect on what your heart’s desire for you is in such a situation.

If you ponder that you will likely find some of the following:

1. Desire for a loving and lovable companion.

2. Desire for a relationship that allows one to be one’s true and genuine self.

3. Desire for a deep emotional and spiritual connection.

4. Desire for an opportunity to experience one’s own personal growth.

5. Desire for an intimate connection that enables one’s personal creativity and the creative potential of the couple.

6. Desire to come together and make a real contribution to the planet and the lives of others in a meaningful and loving way.

On the second point I would say that one must become honest with one’s self about one’s true nature and abilities.

Whether you choose to accept this or not I will say it bluntly:

“You are responsible for creating everything you are currently experiencing in your life!”

Now that may be difficult for some of you to accept and you will perhaps attempt to justify what you perceive as a helpless situation as being out of your control.

Well if that is where you choose to stay then that is where you will continue to be.

It has been my experience that at some point an individual will refuse to continue tolerating the pain of their “designed” experience and will search for answers as to how to change it. As they do they will eventually recognize the fact that they are creating everything in their life.

Along the way they may however initially refuse to see this and frequent individuals who will collude with them into the believing that they are victims of their circumstances.

This will supposedly feel comforting to them for a while until they recognize that such a stance does nothing to make the pain of their lives really go away. Rather it only leaves them more ensconced in it.

Eventually, and I don’t know how or when this happens for a given individual, they will “wake up” to the truth that I outlined above and this will lead them to a new way of being.

It is only when this happens that they will find new ways to address their so called “needs” themselves. By doing so they will be preparing themselves for the kind of relationship I outlined above.

Until then they’ll only go on fumbling in their current dilemma which not only feels unsatisfying it also drains one’s vital life energy.

Most people can’t get behind the wheel of a car for the first time and drive away like a seasoned driver. But one or two can.

Most people can’t sit down at a piano for the first time and play a Mozart sonata; although you might find the odd one or two who can play whatever they hear by ear.

Most people won’t put their trust in someone who they know is emotionally damaged, had a ‘hard life’, and a history of troubled relationships, and achieve their happy ever after. But one or two do.

One thing you’ve learned from your experience is that you’re uncritical to a fault. You’re so prepared to believe the very best of your partner (and probably the worst of yourself) that you’re blind to the warning signs.

Some people can run faster than others. Some are better at sport, or art than others. Some can sing; others can’t. Some are good at maths; others aren’t. It’s not a question of better or worse. It’s a simple fact.

Some women are better at relationships than others. Picking good potential partners is not one of your natural gifts. But it is something you can learn.

So how do you do it?

· Take new relationships SLOWLY. This serves two purposes: first, it gives you the time to notice things; second, abusive men tend not to want to spend too long courting their prey and they will either start to lose interest or show their true colours.

· Make a written record of every little ‘incident’ where a new partner behaves in a way that you don’t quite like, or you find upsetting. You may start to a see a pattern. He may sulk if he doesn’t get his own way, or ignore your feelings, or get angry over small things.

· Listen carefully to what he says about his previous girlfriends. If he tells you that they all behaved badly towards him, then that’s probably exactly what he’ll say about you, one day. If they’ve all disappointed him, you can bet you’ll end up disappointing him too, however hard you try. Because he sees himself as a victim of the women in his life.

· Listen carefully to how he talks about other people. If he expresses hostility or contempt for most of the people in his life, that is his base emotion. The time will come when he will surely visit that hostility or contempt on you.

· Notice how easily he becomes angry and how angry he gets. You won’t be immune from his anger for too long. You can even provoke his anger to see exactly how he behaves; if you dare. And, of course, if you don’t, then you really should not be with him.

· Find out about his relationship with his family. If his relationship with his family has broken down, or even if his mother seems to dominate him, it bodes badly for his relationship with you.

· If he has children by a previous relationship, find out how well they get on with him. If they don’t like him there’s probably a good reason – and it may not be just because his ex-wife/girlfriend ‘is a bitch’.

· If he has any addictions, whether to drugs, drink, gambling, sex or anything else; unless you want to play second fiddle to an addiction, that’s your cue to run very fast, in the opposite direction. He may beat his addiction one day, but you certainly can’t do it for him, and the chances are he will drag you down with him.

· If he has a history of violent behaviour in his past, assume that you will end up as his punch bag, if you stick around. Your love won’t change his behaviour.

· Get a copy of “He’s just not that into you” by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo and read it until every word is etched on your heart. It will help you to distinguish between the way a man treats you when he truly care and the way he‘ll treat you when they don’t.

· Grow your circle of friends and well-wishers, so you aren’t putting all your emotional eggs in one basket.

· Learn to love yourself first. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t love other people, it’s simply doing the opposite of putting yourself last. You’ve seen where putting yourself last has ever got you.

Katie had not been in a relationship in ten years, and she was scared to death. In her last relationship, she had lost herself completely and then felt devastated when her boyfriend of three years left her for another woman.

After working on herself emotionally and spiritually for a number of years, Katie, now 48, felt she was ready for a new relationship. So she joined an online dating service and promptly met Sean, who seemed too good to be true. Warm, compassionate, intelligent, and also on a personal and spiritual growth path, Sean, 55, was an available man! Now Katie’s fears that she would not meet someone turned to fears of being in a relationship again.

Katie had learned how to take loving care of herself when she was alone or with friends, but doing this with a man was another matter. She had never actually taken care of herself in any of her relationships, and she was very worried that she would let herself down again.

Katie wanted some guidelines regarding loving actions she could take for herself as she started to explore the relationship with Sean, and she wrote to me asking me for these loving actions. So here they are – some loving actions to take when first exploring a new relationship:

1. Stay focused inside your own body, noticing your own feelings rather than just being tuned into the other person’s feelings. Stay conscious of NOT taking responsibility for the others person’s feelings of worth or security, and NOT making the other person responsible for your feelings of worth or security.

2. Make a solid decision before getting together with the other person that you are willing to lose the other person rather than lose yourself. Make a conscious decision to NOT make the other person’s wants, needs and feelings more important than your own.

3. Stay clear on your own truth, NOT letting the other person talk you in or out of what feels good and right for you.

4. Be willing to take full, 100% responsibility for behaving in a way that makes you feel worthy, safe and powerful. Be willing to be who you really are rather than trying to impress. Make a conscious decision that being in integrity with who you really are, is more important than getting the other person’s approval.

5. Do NOT disregard the big or small things that you find difficult, intolerable or unacceptable. If something is unacceptable or intolerable to you early in the relationship, the chances are that it is not going to get better. Do NOT convince yourself that, because there are so many good things about this person, you can overlook the problems or get the other person to change. This NEVER works!

Fears of rejection can emerge very early in a relationship. Some people are terrified of doing something wrong and being rejected, because they make they other person responsible for their feelings of worth and lovability. The fear of rejection can lead a person to give him/herself up to the other person, thereby touching off fears of engulfment – of loving oneself and being controlled or consumed by the other person. Thus, fears of loss – loss of self or loss of other – often surface quickly and people find themselves either giving in or pulling away in their efforts to protect themselves from their fears.

If you allow fear to guide you, you will likely either pull away or end up in an unsatisfying relationship. The most important thing to remember as you move into exploring a new relationship is: LET LOVE BE YOUR GUIDE, NOT FEAR. This means that you need to be open to learning about what is most loving to YOU – what is really in your highest good – rather than trying to have control over not being rejected or controlled by the other person. So, number six is:

6. Keep asking your inner wisdom, “What is the loving action toward myself right now? What is in my highest good right now?”

If you keep asking this vital question, you will find your way through exploring a new relationship without losing yourself and without getting hurt by the other person.

“One friend in a lifetime is much; two are many; three are hardly possible.”-Henry Brooks Adams. True friends are rare. It has been said that friendship doubles our joys and halves our sorrows.

Some may feel that friends are not necessary, sadly, to their regret, they learn all too late in life, we all need true friends. In fact, the quality of your life depends much on the quality (not the quantity) of your friendships. Healthy friendships are essential to our mental and physical well-being. Dr. David Weeks, a neurophysiologist said “I have a high proportion of patients with anxieties, phobias, and depression who could be described as lonely. There are connections between the severity of depression and the severity of loneliness.”

A market survey revealed that “in the United Sates 25 percent of the adult population suffer ‘chronic loneliness’ and . . . in France half the people have experienced acute isolation.” The explosions of computer chat rooms, the proliferation of dating clubs, and profusion of newspaper advertisements by those seeking companionship, are indicators that we all need human contact. And what better contact can we have than a true friend?

The answers to the following questions should help us in our search for good friends. What is a friend? How can I find a true friend? How can I keep my friends? And how can I be a true friend?

What is a friend? One dictionary defines a friend as ” one attached to another by affection or esteem.” Another simply states, “a person one likes.” To me the best description of a true friend is found in one of the oldest books ever written. These words of wise King Solomon at Proverbs 17:17 state, “A true companion is loving all the time, and is a brother that is born for when there is distress.” Our health may fail us, our material possessions may lose their value, but true friendship grows stronger and flourishes with time. True intimate friends are among the most precious gifts you will ever have, and if allowed to grow, can produce a positive influence on you for life.

Friendship is a gift everyone is able to give and to receive. American essayist Ralph Waldo Emmerson once said: “the only way to have a friend is to be one.“ Genuine friendships develop over time. All to often people want the benefits of a good friendship but they are too busy to invest the necessary time. Remember a friend is more than just an acquaintance. We have many acquaintances –neighbors, colleagues, and people we meet now and again. True friendship goes far beyond a casual meeting with others. Friendship is special; it requires an investment of time, energy, and emotional commitment. Friendship brings privileges, but it also involves responsibilities.

Good communication is a necessity with those we value as friends. When you converse with others, you show personal interest in their feelings, and you encourage them to express their thoughts and emotions. If the conversation always centers on you, you might end up talking to yourself. Good communication requires being a good listener as well as the ability to express yourself. To have real friends, we must open up to others-let them know who we really are. At the same time we must allow them the same opportunity. Just be yourself. Only by being genuine can we enjoy a genuine friendship.

To keep good friends do not overlook the importance of loyalty and confidentiality. The quickest way to lose a good friend is to reveal a secret or something said in confidence. Once we have a good friend, never take him, or her for granted. You can have good friends, if you are willing to spend the time.

What do you most want in life? Do you think you know? Jot down a quick list right now on a scrap of paper. Is it mostly things like money, toys, or gadgets, or experiences like vacations, good sex, or watching children get started in life?

What’s most important to you? I’ve been listening to a book on tape by Kevin Hogan, “Talk Your Way To The Top,” about good communication. He asks these kind of “importance” questions, noting that often we list what are really the “means to the ends” rather than the “ends” themselves.

If we really get down to it most of us want some kind of joy, fulfillment and security. And, as couples, we get bogged down in the details of trying to achieve these “states of being.”

As partners, we often have very different ideas about what will get us to these good experiences in life. And, we often do not have the communication skills to sort out how we are actually looking for similar end points.

Kevin Hogan suggests a list of about 4 items that you really want, and then directs us to list how we hope these things will help us to feel. This helps to know what you’re really after. I suggest we use this list as a starting point for two additional life possibilities.

First, share this list with your partner. Then, listen deeply to your partner’s list. Make sure the two of you get to the point where you fully understand and empathize with the “end-state” you each desire. There will probably be a lot of similarity there. Joy, happiness, satisfaction, safety, fulfillment, stimulation and serenity are common desires.

Now, you can stop right there if you want. Just do some negotiating about how to help each person get some of what they want by planning to do some of what you each believe will get you there.

On the other hand, you can embark on the journey together that my second point suggests. This second thing is a spiritual thing. It is the expectation that all those wonderful feelings are already available to us in other ways.

Whether you are a regular church goer, a person who doesn’t buy the simple explanations you think religions give, or someone unsure but still a seeker, you probably suspect that there is something going on that’s bigger than any of us know.

I’m suggesting that, whatever your belief or tradition, that you probably have not gotten to the bottom of its spiritual experience, and therefore, are still seeking the “end-states” through your own devices.

One of the questions I often ask people is: “What are you asking (God, the Universe, Whatever) for right now?” How often they’re asking for stuff that is trifling, or they are not asking at all!

So, my second suggestion is that you start placing your expectation of the “end-states” in bigger hands than your own, and that you do so as a couple. Start watching for the results to come in surprising ways! It will almost always be from a different direction than you expect.

I encourage you, as a couple, to engage in this spiritual journey on a very deep level. Do so together, and do so right now, before the hard lessons of life force it upon you.

Couples need to give each other a lot of attention to keep their relationship healthy. But everything around us seems to pull our attention away from our partner. What is left over for our mate by the end of the day may be very, very little.

Blessed are you if you are among the few that can give your partner intensional, quality attention most of the time!

For the rest of us mortals, here are some points for ensuring that we put the time and attention where it is needed.

1. The Long View

Imagine you’re at the end of your life looking back. Will you likely be saying, “Gee, I wish I’d spent more time at the office,” or, “Darn it, I really wish I’d spent more time with my spouse and family?”

This makes it pretty clear for most of us. But how to remember to ask ourselves this perspective question frequently?

You might create a screen saver that flashes the question at you. You could put it on a card and always carry it in a pocket. How about writing it on a small piece of paper and carry it in a locket? You could tape the question to your bathroom mirror, the telephone, the steering wheel of your car, and the molding next to the door through which you leave the house.

Maybe your mate would be willing to ask you this question daily. Afterall, it’s about remembering how much you really do value your relationship with this person.

2. The Short View

What do you like about your partner? Look closer! Notice the curve of the bridge of her/his nose, that spot on the neck where you like to put your lips, and that look on his/her face as a hot idea is percolating. What an incredible being you